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Cebu was discovered by Ferdinand Magellan in 15-something (do you really want to know the year?). In reality, when he got to Cebu he discovered Chinese and Malays already there thriving in business. He also discovered the Chinese and Malays didn’t have to bring anything except stuff that were good enough to trade.

Unfortunately Magellan and his minions, including a historian who didn’t know much about history, were carrying emotional crosses, one of which was a real wooden one. They didn’t know what to do with the crosses so they foisted these upon the natives. Not knowing what to do with them, the natives foisted the crosses back to these “crazy Spaniards.”

Insulted by the natives’ gesture, the Spaniards unsheathed their swords and forced the natives to accept the crosses. They did, and thus was born Christianity in that part of the world (because the rest of the parts didn’t want anything to do with it).

The first converts were Rajah Humabon and his wife, who were baptized in the sea. Rajah Humabon wondered at that because he and his wife were used to dipping themselves in the sea (and in their birthday suits, too!) and they did not need to change religions. He also wondered why he then had to wear those ridiculous balloon pants the Spaniards called uniforms.

Meanwhile, in another part of the island lived a fierce warrior named Lapu-lapu. Named after him is a large fish with sharp teeth, known to be fierce, although you’d wonder really how fierce it is since it is an island delicacy.

A movie was once made about Lapu-lapu which starred matinee idol Lito Lapid, who is now a senator. That was a miscast. Lapid should have played Humabon instead, since it was Humabon who was the politician as he acquiesced to the Spaniards (and look where it got him). Equally miscast was Lapu-lapu’s wife, who was played by Joyce Jimenez, who is fair and very Spanish-looking, but is many a Filipino male’s fantasy (and I suppose not a few Filipino females as well). So no one actually complained about this as long as they’d see Joyce wearing those wet, skimpy native costumes.

Anyway, Lapu-lapu had heard of Magellan’s conquest of Humabon and vowed he wouldn’t give an inch of his territory (and his loot, since Lapu-lapu was rumored to be a pirate) to the white invaders and most certainly would not be caught … wearing those ridiculous balloon pants. So he defied Spanish emissaries and turned them back and those confounding wooden crosses.

Magellan declared war!

So at dawn of March 21, 15-something (do you honestly, really want to know the year?), Magellan set sail for Lapu-lapu’s beachfront. Lapu-lapu and his warriors met the Spaniards at the sea in waist-deep level. It was a perfect strategy. They were too near to fire cannons at. When the Spaniards jumped in the water for hand-to-hand combat, their bulky armor and long boots were no match to the almost naked natives. The Spaniards were too weighed down and slow, the natives light and agile.

The invaders were routed and retreated to their ship and then to Spain. Magellan lay dead at the foot of Lapu-lapu.

Today, a shrine stands at the very place where Lapu-lapu, dubbed as the first Filipino hero, killed Magellan. It is a tall statue of the Cebuano warrior. A few feet away is a string of seafood restaurants where they serve, well … lapu-lapu.